Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A month in Review

Hello Dear readers. I am sure that upon my sudden absence many of you were thinking "Hey, what's for dinner?". Well, I am here to tell you that it has been a very busy month… very busy indeed. I have decided to bring you up to speed on what has been happening in the interim... that way if you ever see me it will be as if you and I were very close!

So without further adieu, here is a log of what I did in the last month. This log will be served to you conveniently via a web host. A "blog", if you will...

- August 28th - Year of Our Lord Twenty aught Eight

Jenkins is dead, taken in the night by the thing. Wimootuk, our faithful guide... dead as well. In his last moments I glimpsed the halting, staccato and horrifying images of brave Wimootuk plunging his ritual dagger again and again into the beasts scarlet, sanguineous chest.

In my panic I had dared to dream that the blood was that of the beast and that Wimootuk had, through sheer savage will, saved us from the horror. But my dream was short lived as I saw what was at the creatures feet. Alsas it was poor Jenkins, torn asunder just as the rest, his freezing eyes staring into me, darkly accusing me for beginning this damn fool expedition.

It wasn't long before the beast had separated poor Wimootuk's head from his fur adorned shoulders, and with a viscously satisfied glance at me it leaped back into the all concealing blizzard, leaving me to stare into Jenkins eyes as the blizzard again and mercifully blanketed our bloody folly with a fresh white canvas onto which I shall soon contribute a final crimson coat..

- August 29th - Year of Our Lord Twenty Aught Eighth

The winds are rising with renewed vigor. I fear that even absent the beast I now hear pacing outside that the wind will be enough to tear my sanctuary asunder and toss me into the blinding, blistering snow. If I had only listened to the Moohaskut Tribesman and turned back, I might have my life... but the dream of reward too great, the wanderlust too strong to be restrained.

I am the architect of my own demise.. so perfectly built that it is now my greatest desire.

The beast will strike within a few hours. It is good... it is merciful. My future subsistence, had I survived, would consist of picking at the long dead rats gathered by Wimootuk these many days ago... or resorting to the unthinkable, an ungodly customer and consumer of meats carved by a brutal butcher.

I still have a handful of ammunition for the Winchester. May my aim be more true than Sebastian, the insufferable prick.

August 30th - Year of Our Lord Twenty Aught Eight

LOL!1 I POWNZ teh beats & I r resqd!11

August 31st - Year of Our Lord Twenty Aught Eight

Life aboard ship is rather monotonous. I'm totally bored. I wish Jenkins was alive to play cards with. We used to have sooo much fun making fun of Wimootuk's backwardness. I wish he was alive too so I could laugh again.

September 1st, 2008

Well, I will be taking a break dear diary, as I have not much more to add.
Oh, and I found a cool new easy way to write the date!

September 14th, 2008

Will wonders never cease? This ship of men has a woman! She is a cagey fast talking news woman from New York. Oh how I love her biting wit. I think that tonight I shall regale her with all the best jokes I made up about the dead Wimootuk!

September 14th, 2008 PM

Oh woe, I never had a chance to speak at dinner. That stupid actor man was too busy wooing Ms. Mastersonen for me to get a word in wedge-wise.

Well who needs them!! I will make my own way! After all, I have you, dear friend and diary, to speak to!

Like one time, me and Jenkins were outside the tent and I said "Hey Wimootuk! Is that your sacrificial knife, or is there a walrus about?". Me and Jenkins laughed and laughed. I don't think Wimootuk got the joke. Anyway, I know you do, dear diary.

September 26th, 2008

Gently rolling sea, black and deep
I stare into your life giving emptiness
I yearn for my eternal sleep
I cut myself to feel alive.

I hate girls.

September 31th, 2008

I am feeling a lot better now. I think the news that we are a few mere weeks out of port has renewed my vigor! My mental clouds have lifted. I am a new man! I will no longer run from my internal demons, I will face up to this life I have been given, and those choices I have made to form it for good and evil. I shall return to the life I had before my fool’s errand, before the dark times, the blood times. I shall live in full, wiser for my memories of the catastrophe.

I can not wait to return to my town, meet with my old friends and regale dear Jenkins with my harrowing tales of near death and that poor backward savage from which I drew so much enjoyment.

I'm sure Jenkins will... I... I mean Jenkins..

Shit, wait...

October 2nd, 2008

My realizations of yesterday will not bring me down. After all, I am a few weeks from port, Ms. Mastersonen and the Actor are out of the picture... what with that stop at that mysterous island and a healthy dose of the Captain Barbers hubris, and that extended siege of the ship by cannibalistic Hunti tribesmen. I guess they were rather annoyed with us taking the prehistoric beast into our ships hold....

Anyway, we left Ms. Mastersonen and the actor in all the din of excitement. I'd tell you all about it, but it's really not that interesting.

October 14th, 2008

Seriously, who opened the goddam hold? It is by sheer miracle that I survived and piloted the boat to shore. It's just not a terribly interesting miracle.

Anyway, I'm home!! Woot! I hope Tivo was recording "Fringe"!

October 15th, 2008 AM

Alas, it would appear I hath lost power, and I have broken my surley bonds with pop culture. There will be no "Fringe" marathon.

Some say I am lucky to be alive... but now I am not so sure.

Post Script: You are having meat loaf for dinner.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


Have you ever wanted to really lay into some person that you felt was being a dongweasle but didn't because you were afraid of the repercussions? Well, I have as well, and I am sick of it. Why can't I call someone a cob-nibbler if they are, in fact, a cob-nibbler?

It seems to me that once you start withholding how you feel about all the plumb bobs in the world the plumb bobs have no balance in their life to drift them toward awesome and away from plumb bobbery. So I say this needs to stop. We need to call it like we see it.

Just yesterday I was driving to work and was cut off by some amazingly huge duke-magnet who decided that my lane needed to be driving at his speed. He even went so far as to flip me the bird in the process. I am not one to get overly dramatic about such things, so I pulled into the next lane and drove past him while viciously ignoring him. But it felt a bit empty.

He probably got to work and never realized what a huge mud flap he was. And since he failed to learn that, he will probably be a gigantic cabage factory tomorrow, and so on. Do you see where the problems arise?

So, from this day forward I sincerely pledge to make sure that not a day will go by when I don't point out to every mall humper, ham dancer, cheese raker and majority whip exactly what I think of them.

I think the world will be better for it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Dealing with Depression

It occurred to me that a good deal of people out there may be struggling with depression as I am. So I have decided to lay out some facts so that we, as a group, can begin to see our way through these hard times and find a better place for ourselves.

1) You are not alone: If you are like me you are in a place in your life where the opinions of others, and your need for acceptance, have left you feeling alone in a crowd of people. But I am here to tell you that that is all an illusion.

What you are experiencing is a need to be recognized, and in the process you may just be alienating others who are dealing with their own need of recognition. You may lead to you feeling the need to command others, or possibly to feeling that your suggestions are so amazing that everyone should listen to you first. But share the time with others.

The solution for you is to be far more magnanimous than they are. They may never recognize how magnanimous you are being... but you will know... and by knowing you will be better than them, and smarter than them.

Fo instance: there may be any number of recipes for macaroni and cheese, and yours does not have to rule them all right away. As a matter of fact, if you choose to enter your macaroni and cheese into a competition you will not win strictly on the grounds that it's you. Also, it is actually frowned on if you choose to take the crown by force.

These are things that you can learn from other peoples experiences. Especially mine.

2) Lay off the Self Destruction: It is a rather popular fallacy amongst the depressed that you can fix what is wrong by avoiding it all together. Most of us will spend hours staring at the ceiling at night haunted by the images of our broken dreams.... and in those cases, it seems only natural to turn your brain off with some mind altering substances that we convince ourselves is medicinal. They are hurting you and you are on a one way trip to substance abuse.

I have found that if you are trying to avoid substance abuse you will find no better help than that of a doctor. Doctors are skilled in writing prescriptions to take the blues away, and often you can speak to numerous doctors online and from other countries and get a healthy regimen of medications that will easily replace almost all of your street-scored remedies.

3) Who's Special? You're Special: But don't feel alone in your specialocity. I'm sure you, like me, are/am feeling a bit left out because your supposed friends are not as into anthropomorphic dogs as you are. But you may be amazed to find that being into anthropomorphic cats is not really all that different. So reach out to your feline loving friends... bridge the gap.

I found anthropomorphic racoons to be a suitable compromise. They also have beautiful hands.

4) Whoa this litle red pill has a kick. I think i got it from paraguay or somthijng. THe doctoor didn't speak English too well buut serious, it's good. the pill. It's a good pill this red one.

5) I hate racconns. my lif is a lie.

Monday, August 25, 2008

How to Change a Tire

Changing a tire is something that everyone will have to do at one point in their life. Knowing what is involved beforehand can make all the difference between endless frustration, and a minor inconvenience. I hope you find the following step-by-step instructions useful.

Stage 1: Evaluating the situation

If all tires waited until you were in an ideal spot before they blew, there would be no need for these instructions. So you will have to assume that when a tire blows, it will not happen next to a full service garage, or Tire King. More than likely it will be in a part of town that you do not know, and at a time when you shouldn't be getting dirty (on the way to a job interview, chasing a fugitive from justice, court date).

It is very important from the moment you pull over that you take an inventory of your equipment. A quick perusal of the content of your car's trunk will reveal that it contains: one spare tire, one squashed pack of chewing gum, three feet of coiled rope, a handkerchief, a shovel, and no tire iron. It will then become obvious that you need to be creative.

A search of the area around the car will turn up a book of dry matches. Great! You are making progress.

AT this point you will find that to your left is the busy road (to the right in Great Britain... and also the equipment will be found in the boot), on the opposite side is a neighborhood. Walking back the way you came you will see a fence, with a Tire King on the other side. This may be a ruse... and you will quickly find that walking into traffic will get you killed, and you do not have the option of climbing the fence for some reason.

Yes yes, I know... are we arguing logic or changing your tire? Get over it.

Stage 2: Devising your plan

So the situation will dictate that you have to enter the neighborhood. Be careful to pay attention in a neighborhood, as they are fraught with danger and clues to getting your tire changed. Take a notebook along if you have trouble remembering things.

Sure enough, while walking through the neighborhood you will see a little girl running around calling for someone by the name of "Chimzy". If you walk up and talk to her you will discover that the little girl's monkey has gone missing. You may want to be on the lookout... monkeys often steal valuable tools or hang out in areas filled with clues.

Heading east down the road you will find yourself in front of Tire King. Yay? Well, no. A quick discussion with Mr. King will reveal that he is racked with grief over his wayward son. He will show you a picture of his heavily mustachioed son if you ask him. It turns out his son has started a rival tire shop across town called "King of Tires", and Mr. King is both sad about his sons departure, and that business dealings have made them estranged. One look into that bald man's teary eyes will tell you he is in no mood to help.

So all that is left is to head back west, past the girl, and to the end of the street. Pay close attention here and you will see telltale signs of life in the trees. Upon closer inspection you will see that the life is none other than CHIMZY! You will also notice that Chimzy is having a hard time getting into a yard with an electric fence. He seems to be fixated on some pears in a tree in that yard.

Go back to your car and get your shovel and some rope. Return to Chimzy and use the rope to lasso a pear while Chimzy isn't looking.... if you lasso it while he is looking he will be too fast and get the pear! Timing is crucial.

After getting the pear, use the shovel to dig a small hole under the fence. At this point Chimzy will dart under the fence and start eating the rest of the pears. Wait until he is done, and then show him your pair. He will begin headed your way. At this point you should start chewing a stick of that gum....

With the gum in your mouth, and Chimzy approaching, quickly stuff the pear down the back of your shirt. Chimzy will climb down your shirt after the pear. Now, take the chewed gum and use it to stick Chimzy's tail to your upper lip. At this point you have to act fast.. as once Chimzy is done eating the pear, he will quickly head back to the pear tree.

Now, walk past the girl, who will approach you as if she has never seen you before (the disguise works!), and return to the Tire King. Speak with the Tire King while pretending to be his son. Reconcile with Mr. King and promise him that instead of fighting you will become a second Tire King store, thereby ensuring cooperation and shared success. Mr. King will be thrilled.

Now go back to the girl and return Chimzy. She will be so thrilled she will give you three disposable pie pans. Hold onto them as they may be needed later in the day.

Now return to Mr. King, without the disguise and talk to him about your car. He will be glad to fix it for you! Just a quick jaunt in his truck to your car, a brief transition, and you will be all set!

Stage 3: The wrap up

Return the rope and the shovel and the pie pans to your trunk... you could dispose of the gum wrapper now... though, again, you never know.

Hop in your car, fire up the engine and head off for adventure!

Also, make note in your notebook to keep an eye out for a bald wig. At some point you will probably need to make a trip to The King of Tires.

Friday, August 22, 2008

And so it Begins

Oh the thinks you can think.