Monday, August 25, 2008

How to Change a Tire

Changing a tire is something that everyone will have to do at one point in their life. Knowing what is involved beforehand can make all the difference between endless frustration, and a minor inconvenience. I hope you find the following step-by-step instructions useful.

Stage 1: Evaluating the situation

If all tires waited until you were in an ideal spot before they blew, there would be no need for these instructions. So you will have to assume that when a tire blows, it will not happen next to a full service garage, or Tire King. More than likely it will be in a part of town that you do not know, and at a time when you shouldn't be getting dirty (on the way to a job interview, chasing a fugitive from justice, court date).

It is very important from the moment you pull over that you take an inventory of your equipment. A quick perusal of the content of your car's trunk will reveal that it contains: one spare tire, one squashed pack of chewing gum, three feet of coiled rope, a handkerchief, a shovel, and no tire iron. It will then become obvious that you need to be creative.

A search of the area around the car will turn up a book of dry matches. Great! You are making progress.

AT this point you will find that to your left is the busy road (to the right in Great Britain... and also the equipment will be found in the boot), on the opposite side is a neighborhood. Walking back the way you came you will see a fence, with a Tire King on the other side. This may be a ruse... and you will quickly find that walking into traffic will get you killed, and you do not have the option of climbing the fence for some reason.

Yes yes, I know... are we arguing logic or changing your tire? Get over it.

Stage 2: Devising your plan

So the situation will dictate that you have to enter the neighborhood. Be careful to pay attention in a neighborhood, as they are fraught with danger and clues to getting your tire changed. Take a notebook along if you have trouble remembering things.

Sure enough, while walking through the neighborhood you will see a little girl running around calling for someone by the name of "Chimzy". If you walk up and talk to her you will discover that the little girl's monkey has gone missing. You may want to be on the lookout... monkeys often steal valuable tools or hang out in areas filled with clues.

Heading east down the road you will find yourself in front of Tire King. Yay? Well, no. A quick discussion with Mr. King will reveal that he is racked with grief over his wayward son. He will show you a picture of his heavily mustachioed son if you ask him. It turns out his son has started a rival tire shop across town called "King of Tires", and Mr. King is both sad about his sons departure, and that business dealings have made them estranged. One look into that bald man's teary eyes will tell you he is in no mood to help.

So all that is left is to head back west, past the girl, and to the end of the street. Pay close attention here and you will see telltale signs of life in the trees. Upon closer inspection you will see that the life is none other than CHIMZY! You will also notice that Chimzy is having a hard time getting into a yard with an electric fence. He seems to be fixated on some pears in a tree in that yard.

Go back to your car and get your shovel and some rope. Return to Chimzy and use the rope to lasso a pear while Chimzy isn't looking.... if you lasso it while he is looking he will be too fast and get the pear! Timing is crucial.

After getting the pear, use the shovel to dig a small hole under the fence. At this point Chimzy will dart under the fence and start eating the rest of the pears. Wait until he is done, and then show him your pair. He will begin headed your way. At this point you should start chewing a stick of that gum....

With the gum in your mouth, and Chimzy approaching, quickly stuff the pear down the back of your shirt. Chimzy will climb down your shirt after the pear. Now, take the chewed gum and use it to stick Chimzy's tail to your upper lip. At this point you have to act fast.. as once Chimzy is done eating the pear, he will quickly head back to the pear tree.

Now, walk past the girl, who will approach you as if she has never seen you before (the disguise works!), and return to the Tire King. Speak with the Tire King while pretending to be his son. Reconcile with Mr. King and promise him that instead of fighting you will become a second Tire King store, thereby ensuring cooperation and shared success. Mr. King will be thrilled.

Now go back to the girl and return Chimzy. She will be so thrilled she will give you three disposable pie pans. Hold onto them as they may be needed later in the day.

Now return to Mr. King, without the disguise and talk to him about your car. He will be glad to fix it for you! Just a quick jaunt in his truck to your car, a brief transition, and you will be all set!

Stage 3: The wrap up

Return the rope and the shovel and the pie pans to your trunk... you could dispose of the gum wrapper now... though, again, you never know.

Hop in your car, fire up the engine and head off for adventure!

Also, make note in your notebook to keep an eye out for a bald wig. At some point you will probably need to make a trip to The King of Tires.


shane said...

Thanks for the invaluable advice. Last time I got a flat I spent an entire day trying to use the shovel on the girl. I don't know what I was thinking.

jryan said...

I found the shovel to have two uses in that scenario.